So last night I had a little headache and decided to take a nap. Half-asleep, I hear a knock on my door. Silly me, I blindly throw the door open and find myself face to face with my very first soliciter.

It would’ve been so easy to just tell him I wasn’t interested in buying his rust remover or sidewalk cleaner except that he wasn’t selling a tangible product. He was selling world peace.

It turns out he was from some grass-roots type organization that tries to overturn legislation that promotes nuclear weapons, increased military spending, and tries to get it used for education and stuff. At least, I THINK that’s what he said…I kinda tuned him out.

He just kept going and going and I had a headache and didn’t have a chance to interrupt him. Besides, what was I going to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t save the world right now because I need to go take a nap.” So he finally gets to the part where I can say no: he asks for the donation. I say that I’m sorry, but that with my rent, car payment, and student loans that I can barely make ends meet. So of course he counters with a lower amount. “Ohhh, sorry,” I reply, “But I really shouldn’t. Christmas bills coming due and all.” I was getting good at this! Then he starts offering ridiculously low contributions of like a contribution of $5/month for 2 months or something. Surely I could afford that, but I still say I’m poor.

So then he asks if he can put me on their email list. Fine, I agree to this thinking that if I give him SOMETHING, he’ll leave me alone. For some reason I thought I’d just have to give an address, but he asks me for my name.

“Jennifer,” I say, but then realize that I don’t want them to have my real name. So I must provide a fake last name, I decide. I think quickly for a last name that is not my own and come up with….Smith. All the last names in the world and I pick SMITH. So now Jennifer Smith gives him a bogus AOL email address, and while I feel slightly lame, I am at least glad that the email is fake and I will not be spammed.

But no, this guy is not done yet! He mentions how they also write letters to congress-people asking them not to vote on certain bills and asks if I have stamps. I say no, because I never have stamps (although I realize I do, because of that stamp fiasco last month), so then he asks if I even just have a dollar so that they could mail some. Fine, I rummage in my wallet and find a dollar, hoping that now that I have provided money, he will leave.

But no, it turns out the money bought ME postcards. For ME to send to the congress-people. IMMEDIATELY. So crap, now I can’t change my mind because I’ve already given him a dollar, and I can’t just say I’ll mail them later because he wants them back (presumably to make sure people don’t forget or change their minds once he’s gone). And he tells me that I am required to sign them. But now that I’ve given him a fake name, I can’t sign my real name, because he’d know I lied. But at the same time, signing a fake name seems like a bad idea given that it’s going to lawmakers. I also can’t tell him “I’m sorry, I can’t sign these because I gave you a fake name, but I don’t want to tell you my real name.”

So, I sign “Jennifer Smith” on all 3 postcards that now have my address on them. My attempt at an alternate identity consisted merely of changing the way I write the letter “J” and signing a little more illegibly than usual. Despite my new role as criminal mastermind, I’m sure it wouldn’t be too hard for someone to deduce that it is my handwriting. My last attempt at forgery was at the age of 10 when I signed my mom’s name on a white slip I obtained for eating candy in class. It didn’t work. Hopefully this time won’t land me a trip in detention and a note home to a mom who is now more angry about forgery than she would’ve been about candy.

If I suddenly disappear, it could be because I’m in jail for identity fraud, although I’m optimistic that this signature doesn’t really matter. But I warn you, if you live in SB and see a young, idealistic City College student in a black beret, black sport coat, anti-Bush t-shirt, and a hemp peace sign necklage, don’t open your door! Unless of course you WANT to donate to this organization. Because trust me, if you answer the door, you WILL be donating…could be a dollar, could be your soul. I am never opening my door if I’m not expecting company again!

Posted at 12:36 PM |

1) Yea I know I was too nice. I was also half-asleep and not thinking clearly.

2) Oh please. I was trying to think of a name not my own, one that would be common enough that it couldn’t be tracked, no one I knew personally, and of course, not weird so that he wouldn’t be like “whoa, what kind of name is that?” Hey, there actually was a Jenny Smith who went to my HS.

3) I can’t believe I did either. Although, technically I didn’t, Jennifer SMITH did!

4) Yes, I suck.

5) This was the thing that concerned me the most. I’d hate to face penalties for simply wanting someone to go away.

6) Uh thanks for the helpful tip.

2 | Posted by: Jennifer on January 21, 2005 @ 4:57 PM